The Cherry Blossom Heart

It was spring once more. But as usual, it didn't last forever. Only, It seemed to bless me with its warmth for a little longer this time. Funny thing is, Previously, springs would come and pass by. I'd pay no heed and move on minding my own business. But the more it lingered around me, harder it was for me to bid farewell. Specially, after letting me meet  someone whose beauty would equal the spring itself.

Well, I'm not the type of guy who can make an awespiring love story out of his past, neither do I really want to talk about it with anyone, yet here I am, blabbering all about it. Boredom takes you in doing things you'd never even dream of huh! Yet, I'd rather not waste your time in giving off petty introductions like how we ended up being together. It was the same lingered spring that helped us meet and that's all anyone needs to know.

To be honest, I actually don't know how we ended up together. Two odd balls, completely different from each other with no similar taste in basically everything. Everything except the hills I'd say. I would go up the hill of Tulu every weekend to meet my foster dad Ngudas, a monk of the hill's monastery. He looked after me since my birth until I graduated from high school and went to the city for a job. She'd come up the same hill  every weekends as well, mostly for the spring offerings and sightseeing. A clumsy idiotic girl she was, who would blabber about anything with almost anyone. The kind everyone from the monastery would detest. But yet, the same idiocy and instability would make her look elaborate, beautiful and alive. Just like the blooming cherry blossoms, with a beauty of their own different league.

I'd look at her from afar. "Stare" would be a proper word to use here, but lets not make myself look bad while we're at it. As I was saying, I'd look at her from afar; almost every time with the stealing eyes of mine. I wonder if she ever noticed , or perhaps ever did the same as well. But soon enough, with a little courage and a little awkwardness, we started talking with each other and were pretty close sightseeing acquaintances after a few chain of events; which I'd rather not disclose and bore you even more.(Honestly, I don't remember how ). So, every weekends, we'd meet up at the monastery and spend the whole day chatting with each other whilst sightseeing (which was now my new favorite thing to do.)

"I will kill you." That was her every sentences' backbone."I'll kill you! Look at that cute little bird." , "I'll kill you! get me something to eat, I'm hungry." ,"Be here at 7:00 am sharp next week, or I'll kill you!" Basically her life would be incomplete if she didn't use that phrase after every single sentence. Few of the monks even felt threatened by her habit and even got offended. And her clumsiness and inability of fixing a worsening situation would add fuel to the fire of the offended monks's angers. I'd have a hard time getting her out of all the troubles. She on the other hand, would save me from the troubles of talking to the elders of the monastery and visitors who knew me as well. One thing I'd really abstain from was socializing with people. Being kind of an introvert since the childhood and not having anyone of the same age around to talk to, I had pretty much learned to live by myself. And after all those years, I still hated socializing, and she'd drag me out of that awkwardness and take me away to her world. The world of clumsiness and idiocy. After all those "saving each other's asses" and having each other's backs, I also had learnt a little of blooming, like the cherry blossom, blooming like her. She had taught me a little about living the life of my will. I had learnt that our hearts had no limits, no boundaries. No wall seemed too high for our hearts to leap through and no ocean seemed too deep to swim through. Dream of wings and it would fly, dream of wheels and it would drive along. She taught me that life was all about living true to yourself. Just like a little fawn, jumping high enough to soar in the sky with all the joy she could get in her life, not worrying about any big bad wolves, she taught me to live my life to the fullest. Maybe my silence taught her a few things as well, but lets leave the modesty of giving credits to her. Only she knows what she learnt.I respected for who she was and for all the lessons she taught, not through the words but by action. After all the things that had happened in the past season, we had started to trust each other greatly and I also had a kind of feeling of oneness when we were together. Being an introvert, I never actually had been that close to any girl before. So, never actually knew what it felt like. But the feeling of trust, respect and oneness; there was only one explanation to it.

It had been more than a month since we had started seeing each other outside of the monastery as well. We'd meet up almost everyday, at least to have a cup of coffee. Sipping the bitter-sweet coffee, sharing our bitter-sweet memories,that's how evenings after work would pass by. Sometimes she'd come over for dinner and sometimes I'd visit her. A day without her breaking or at least dropping a china piece would be a rare sight. And her fights with random people? Don't even get me started. Her favorite phrase, "I'll kill you"  would sometimes get us into some serious trouble. Most of her fights would be started when she saw someone weaker being bullied by the strong. She couldn't just stand it, and no matter in what position she was, she'd be there to back the victim up. Seeing her all fired up and ready to break some bones would sometimes make me wonder who the hero really should have been in this story. But, that's what I liked about her. That's what I had been learning from her.

The short spring seemed too long and seemed to be passing too fast as well at the same time. It felt like we had known each other for years now. My feeling for her had bloomed too well by then. I had to confess it to her some day. I had reached to a point where the the longer I hid my feelings from her,the harder it was for me to speak to her to my fullest. It felt like I was confined in a cage too small. I had to break free from the containment of feelings. I wanted to explode; Like a dynamite with the explosion of feelings and burn us both in the flames of love. But what if my flames didn't affect her? What would I do if her heart was a boulder too big to be broken down by my dynamite of love? What if I were the only one to burn in the flame and no one was there to water me out? What if she'd just watch me burn to ashes? Too many uncertainties, too much fear. It really is a sickness if not dealt properly, eh! This crazy thing called love. But as complex as it may sound, dealing with it was quite simple. One smile was all it took. Her one smile cleared all my doubts and uncertainties. Soon enough, I understood that words were never too important to express love. It was the feelings that counted. Although we expressed our feelings in the form of words too less, I knew she loved me and she knew I did the same as well.

To love and to be loved by someone. Two feelings completely too different. You'd feel too special to be loved by someone. It's a great feeling to be pampered by them and not worry about anything in the world because you know they'll always be there with you, to face the storm or the joy as equal. I was more or less unknown about the feeling called love theretofore, but since she came to my life, I understood what it truly felt like. Love; It was the wonderful feeling I got whenever I was with her. I had chosen her, and would choose her to be my only love because she was the only one who could freeze my heart and make it skip a beat. She was the only one who could bring a big wide smile in my face no matter how down I was feeling. I loved her because I knew who she was. I knew she wasn't perfect, I knew she was stupid and crazy, I knew how big of a dumb ass she was, I knew she was a crazy lunatic and I knew she was completely brain whacked. She was an imperfect dumb beauty who loved all and whose heart shone brighter than her face, A truly majestic spring season which gave warmth and peace to all. That's who she truly was. Above all, she was whom she wanted to be, and she was mine.

But we all know that fun filled days tend to end faster. Everyone have to face their ups in their lives and they have to face the equal share of downs as well. We also had to face our downs. It turns out, after finally obtaining something you've always wanted too desperately, you soon start losing interest on it after finally obtaining it. I guess the same thing happened between us as well. We took each other for granted, and started caring less about each other's business. "She's already mine. why should I bother? She knows I love her" I'd think. And maybe she did the same. Sometimes I'd have too much work to do and wouldn't be able to meet up with her. sometimes she'd not pick my phone. Sometimes I'd make an excuse to avoid dinner and hang out in the bars with my friends and sometimes she'd not speak a single word with me when we were with our friends. She'd get grumpy and avoid me throughout a week and not tell me the reason for it.I'd start caring less as well too and slowly, but surely, without each other knowing, we had been drawn too much apart. Being each other's own, we still were like strangers. Pretending to not know much about each other. The evening coffee time was also now limited to only the noise of the bitter-sweet coffee being sipped, the table so quiet that we could even hear the breeze shaking the leaves of the trees outside. I'd never felt that disconnected with her or anyone in my entire life. She slowly started coming to the monastery irregularly as well and our meetings were also limited to about once or twice a week. Now, the days are just filled with remorse. "I should have picked up her call back then." ,"I shouldn't have been too rude with her.", "I should have started a conversation when I had a chance","I should have been there to cheer her up when she'd feel down." "I should have done.. this... I should have done that." Regrets. That's all that's left now. Lamenting on own faults and flaws which could have been easily warded off.

Will we ever be the same old 'us' like we used to be again? Could we start over again? Pretend to know each other again? Try to fake that excitement of meeting someone new and act surprised on know each other's already known secrets? I wonder if that would by any way fix things up. Sigh! The spring has also come to an end now, cherry leaves all withering.

They say love is like the weather as well. Spring, where your love is starting a new, it is warm. Its just a beginning so, its a little confusing but the excitement of facing something new makes you love everything about it. It is like the Summer, where your love starts bearing fruits of trust and mutual understanding where both of you understand each other's feelings, flaws and strengths and accept them wholly. Sometimes its like the Autumn or the fall, where everything seems to be falling apart. The world looks empty and everything seems to be working against you and it is also like the Winter, gloomy and cold, where nothing can be seen, everything covered with thick snow of misunderstanding and there are many things hidden from you due to the thick fogs. It depends upon you whether you wanna hide away from the cold or wanna face it and clear your way through the fog and find out whats hidden behind it. Its up to you if you wanna give up or experience the cold and accept it. I choose to face the Winter and clear the fog and shovel off all the snow. Maybe she's waiting for me to come. Maybe she's behind the fog waiting for me. So, I'm just gonna clear my way through the fog and seek her out, stare at her once again. But this time, looking directly at her dewy sparkling eyes and say out those three magical words loud and clear which will wake us from the horrible nightmare we've been through. I'm sure the cherry tree wants the winter to end and bloom once again. This time, I shall bloom along as well. We still have a lot to talk about with the sips of bitter-sweet coffee.