How to Deal with Narcissists
If you so much as throw a crumb of kindness their way, they bite their fangs onto it as if it were a lavish feast, twisting it into some grand gesture of devotion, which you won’t have the faintest of ideas until things actually get quite out of hand.
But here’s the kicker—if you don’t engage at all (or don’t act the exact way they want you to), suddenly, you're the villain. A cold, egotistical monster who refuses to acknowledge their greatness, and platonic sacrifices . And should you ever dare to dismiss their misplaced affections? Well, prepare yourself for the title of selfish, narcissistic, and opportunistic.
Sounds exhausting, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. Mentally, and in some unfathomable ways- physically too. You are having to deal with things you never signed up for and didn’t want any part of. When you’re trying to lead your life with determination in a path you’re trying to create, and such hindrances cross your path, being overwhelmed is only natural. Without any fault you’re being called names by someone; names you don’t deserve. It’s natural to be exhausted and drained dry.
But fear not, when mood fixer elixir is here. We aren’t here to talk about the problem today, we’re spitting some solid fax no printer solutions.
So, how do you deal with these emotional black holes who suck the energy out of every interaction? Let’s break it down.
Understanding the Narcissist and the Narcissist Mindset
Before you seek solution of anything, you need to understand the problem. More specifically, you need to BE the problem (mentally), keep yourself in the shoes of a narcissist.
First, a little psychoanalysis. Studies suggest that Narcissists have reduced gray matter volume in the anterior insular cortex, a region responsible for empathy, emotional regulation, and self-awareness. Due to dopamine dysregulation, Narcissists often exhibit high reward sensitivity, which means they crave admiration and validation. Narcissists aren’t just self-obsessed; they are emotionally needy, validation-hungry beings.
Early childhood trauma, neglect, or inconsistent parenting may lead to a lack of secure attachment, which can lead to defensive grandiosity. Narcissists use defense mechanisms like projection, denial, and devaluation to protect their self-image. Societal and cultural factors can also reinforce narcissistic tendencies.
For example, a person who has been pampered throughout their childhood is typically more prone to be narcissistic, as they have always gotten what they wanted, they are the prince/princess of their family and have all the love/attention they want, and they expect things to stay the same throughout the life.
Grandiosity serves as a shield against feelings of inferiority or rejection too. Their self-worth is entirely dependent on how much attention they receive from others. In their minds, they are the main character, and everyone else is either a devoted admirer or an enemy who must be punished.
Facts about these type of people:
They overestimate their importance in your life.
They crave excessive admiration but give little to none in return.
They lack the ability to self-reflect—everything wrong is always someone else's fault.
They can’t handle rejection, even in the mildest form.
They cannot put themselves in other person’s shoes—their truth is the only truth, and their feelings are always supposed to be validated. Other people have no feelings.
A famous quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald fits them perfectly: "They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered."
To them, a simple "Hey, how are you?" is not just small talk—it’s a sign of your undying devotion.
How to Deal with Them Without Losing Your Sanity
What we understood above from understanding a narcissist is that they’re - 1. Needy 2. Validation hungry 3. Self absorbed 4. Delusional 5. Egoistic
So, it we find ways to oppose, avoid or obstruct their such traits, we are probably going to be in the good lights. So, how do we do that?
1. “We’re gonna build a wall!” Keep Your Boundaries Like a Fortress
Narcissists don’t understand subtlety, so if you try to be polite but distant, they will take it as encouragement. Be firm, be clear, and most importantly, stick to it.
If they demand more of your time than you're willing to give, say no—without explanation or guilt.
If they twist your words into something dramatic, don’t engage.
If they try to guilt-trip you, remind yourself that their emotions are not your responsibility.
Example: If they say, "You don’t care about me anymore!" A good response is, "I never signed up to be your emotional caretaker."
2. Do Not Try to Change Them (“Dog’s tails are always crooked”)
One of the things I realized a little late in my life is that when you’re dealing with an idiot, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is believing that if you’re patient enough, kind enough, or explain things logically, they will suddenly have an epiphany and see things your way and possibly understand you. They won’t. They are not wired that way. Putting themselves in your shoes is not their cup of tea, even if you treat everyone with kindness and niceness, everyone else doesn’t have any obligation to treat you the same. So, don’t waste your time trying to deal with such entities.
As the saying goes: "Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it."
3. Expect the Backbiting Campaign. Grab a popcorn to listen to stories about you that you never knew yourself.
Once a narcissist realizes they can’t manipulate you, they almost always seem to instinctively attack your reputation. Sometimes the attacks are behind your back, in front of your peers, and sometimes it’s upfront outbrusts of calling names you don’t deserve. They will tell exaggerated stories, fabricate the truths, confabulate the events in between, or make up an entirely new drama out of you to paint themselves as the victim, and make you seem like the villain.
How do you counter this?
Don’t stoop to their level—arguing with them only gives them more material.
Let your actions speak louder than their words. People who truly know you will see through the lies. Have faith in people who know you and would atleast second guess the story or question you upfront and warn you about rumors that are spreading around. And if people don’t do this, you need to understand that they were also looking for opportunity to tear you down, and you’re better off without them in your life.
If needed, calmly clear up false rumors in one sentence and move on.
Example: "I heard you’re a heartless jerk who used them and threw them away."
Response: "Interesting story. Too bad reality doesn’t match." (Then walk away.) (Or if the person is actually someone close to you and are genuinely confused, share your side of the story to them. It’ll make you feel better as you unburden the stress, and it’ll help them understand your narrative too, possibly stopping the transmission of misinformation and rumors midway.)
4. Master the Art of Selective Ignorance.-“The less people you chill with, the less bullshit you deal with”-Theory
Narcissists thrive on reactions. The more you react, the more fuel they have. The best way to disarm them? Give them nothing.
A technique called "Gray Rock" works wonders—act as boring and unresponsive as a rock when they try to provoke you. No emotion, no reaction, just bland, minimal responses. Eventually, they will move on to a more entertaining target.
How to Identify and Avoid Them Before It’s Too Late
Wouldn’t it be great if you could spot narcissists before they infiltrate your life? Here are some red flags to watch out for:
They love-bomb you with excessive praise and attention early on.
They expect you to be available at all times.
They have a history of failed friendships—always blaming others.
They play the victim card whenever something goes wrong.
They don’t respect boundaries and push for more even when told no.
They have an inflated sense of self-importance and believe they are superior to others.
They struggle to understand or care about others’ emotions.
They crave validation and praise to maintain their self-image.
They expect special treatment and feel rules don’t apply to them.
They are easily offended by criticism, even if it’s constructive.
They distort reality to make others doubt themselves (gaslighting).
They can be charismatic but lack depth in relationships.
They make you feel responsible for their emotions or failures (guilt-tripping).
They use subtle digs, backhanded compliments, or silent treatment to control.
They twist facts, omit details, or outright lie to maintain control.
They act helpless or mistreated to gain sympathy and avoid blame.
They always find a way to make it someone else’s fault.
They gather personal information and later use it for control.
They contradict themselves, making you doubt your own memory and decisions.
They push you into quick choices that benefit them.
If you notice these signs early, save yourself the trouble and keep your distance.
Final Thoughts: You Owe Them Nothing
At the end of the day, you are not responsible for managing a narcissist’s emotions. You don’t owe them anything, you don’t have to explain yourself, and most importantly, you don’t have to endure any toxicity just to keep the peace.
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes them to live.
So the next time a narcissist tries to guilt-trip you, overanalyze your kindness, or throw a tantrum because you won’t feed their ego, remember: It’s not your problem. Let them play their drama alone while you enjoy the peace of mind they so desperately lack.
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