Year 2020

 The year 2020 has given a lot of things to me. Good things and bad things; balanced things. The biggest thing it gave me was time, excess amount of it. Sometimes I wonder if the universe is playing some kind of dirty game with me, constantly filling me full of shit it loves serving on my plates. And sometimes I wonder if the universe is on my side, subtly helping me at times, making things work out just perfectly for me. 


This year was the one where it was on my side.12:58 am, december 31st,2019, I closed my eyes, panting, as I was running to the rooftop not wanting to miss the change that was happening on the dhaka skies, change that was gonna happen on the calander and change I wanted to happen in me; I was panting like crazy, relieved though, talking to the moon, smiling and awe struck at the beautiful sky, determined. 

With eyes lit up with enthusiasm, heart burning with desperation, I looked up to the sky lantern we just flew off (which crashed down shortly), I made a resolution that I actually don't like myself. I made a resolution that I will hate myself for atleast a year for whatever I had become and one step at a time, change myself for everything I absolutely needed to. 


Don't get me wrong! I'm not acting depressed or telling you that I have low self esteem! I don't. But there had(has?) been this weird defence mechanism where I created a thick wall around myself not allowing anyone to enter, Pushing away anyone and everyone equally. A closed shell not ready to open up,  in-cocoon-ated. Absurded by the belief that emotions are unnecessary, and love is not important in life, any form of love. Only things important are the dreams and the goals I have and a uni directional path towards it. Sounds idealistic, it works like magic if success and fame is all you are looking for but what I chase after is happiness, and there is no happiness in being detached from emotions. If I got comfortable with this ideeology I don't think I'll ever be able to grow into better version of myself and probably be a pessimist sadist nilhistic mofo. So it was justifiable to learn to hate my traits no?



I needed a decent amount of time to work on it and 2020 gave me just that. 

It gave me time to think about life, about consciousness, love, politics, society about humanity about myself, about you guys. I began by learning expressions, then got into philosophy, even started reading geeta mahabharat on the persuit of answers to questions I dont know 🤣🤣. It gave me time to break the wall a little, it gave me time to learn to love, it gave me time to know a few more unforgettable friends who liked talking to me not out of pity but genuenely for the person I am. Any kind of journey is boring if you have noone to lean onto isn't it? 

I can't express how thankful this year has been for me personally. I know, a lot of bad things happened to the world. I'm terribly sorry for being inconsiderate, I'm grieved too.. but what value would the world have to me if my vision is blurred to observe at the first place? 


So, I learnt to unlove myself, let go of myself, be with myself, change myself and try to love myself back.  2020 has been all about unloving myself and learning to love. If even you can't love yourself, how do you expect everyone else to do that for you?  I hope 2021 will me more about accepting and loving myself and learning to love and have fun in general. 

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