Am I brave?

What do you think being brave is? What act you did would make you think you're brave? Jumping off a building while tied? Sky diving? Saving a child from an approaching speeding vehicle? What high standards can you set for me to tell me that I am not actually brave? 

 If that's what braveness is then I admit I'm not brave. Fuck! I can't even ask the girl I like out for a date. I can't stand huge gatherings let alone talk about silly fancy stuff and socialize, I don't feel like being at the front of the line at most of the events, I never fantasized about winning anything, I never enjoyed much attention towards myself. So yeah, maybe I am not brave. Maybe I'm a coward trying to hide in a dark corner, away from the light, away from the sight. 

You see! I don't want to prove myself as anything or anyone to you anyways. I never enjoyed being judged, compared and looked down upon. You might be good at flying but trust me I can sure as hell run supersonic and go kaboom, blowing off all your feathers into millions of single quills. I just don't do things to be there in the front! I don't do it to show it to people, I don't do it to prove my worth to anyone!! I do it to have fun, enjoy, and relax a little of the life I have got with me, I do it because my heart wants to do it. Being brave doesn't necessarily mean to do some kind of publicity stunt to show yourself and acting all stupid now does it? Can't people be brave in silence? Can't we be heros within ourselves? Because I believe that there is a lot more of a dimension in being brave than what we believe it to be. Everybody is brave, but just in their small circle of vision which is now being blinded by the absurd definition of bravery.

  I have flaws. I'm not perfect, far from it actually. And I don't pretend to be perfect, holy, dignified, charming, smart, witty or whatever your definition of perfect is. I try to collect every flaw I have in me, analyse them thoroughly, accept them as myself, and show it to the world. I do admit, my "world" is quite small limiting it to few dozens of people, but thats what my world is to me, and it means a great deal to me to be myself infront of them. I let out every vunerability I have out to the world not hiding an ounce of my imperfections and asking help with them to improve myself. I think that's strength as well. Have you ever wondered how much of courage it takes sometimes to let things go? Let it all out? Can you do it? Being able to accept to be vunurable in front of someone?

 I have been able to achieve to be able to emotionally  distanct  myself from the feeling of love in general. But if I do love someone or something, I do it from my whole heart. Be thatplatonic, aristrocratic or materialistic, attachment is something that comes along with the feeling of love. I can be attached greatly to the emotion of love but when it comes to the point where the love stands in front of my ideals, my beliefs, my respect for myself, and my rational conscousness, I can very well detach myself from the feelings. Transform the emotions if you will, but I don't think its easy. Not just love, channeling out the emotions like anger, hate, sorrow, happiness, sadness remorse and putting it in front of the world or throwing it away from it. To be able to do that it needs a lot of strength I think and could I have that strength if I didn't have the courage to face the storm that led to the path? 

 

I am not passive. I always liked revolting against the system that is wrong, I have stood brave and tall to fight for my family and friends when they needed me the most, I have fought through a crazy storm of battles with myself and I always feel really proud to say that I have helped many people to fight with their own battles through and through, sometimes by action, sometimes by emotion, sometimes by words and sometimes by just listening. I shout the loudest in the craziest of the voice just to make sure they hear it loud and clear. I like teaching so I never stop teaching until the message is understood by everyone I want to deliver it to, If I want something to happen I don't wait for anyone else to do it for me I don't stop working until I see it happen. You see I am a fighter. I never want to show you what I'm fighting for or fighting with because as I said I never enjoyed any attention, but trust me... I don't plan on leaving until I leave an imprint in this tiny globe. It needs a lot of courage to dream something big. Actually no, It doesn't need any courage to dream this big at all. What really needs courage is acting upon fulfilling it. I always have been a seeker more than a believer, so I'm always filled with questions more than answers. I don't know what bravery is. Whatever I said above may make least of the sense to you. It certainly won't make any sense to me when I read it the next time.. I mean it's a free flow of thought I'm typing out right now so no definite point I wanna focus on. I don't even know what I ranted just now I've been typing non stop for quite a while. I'll just post it in the blog as it is. Maybe someday someone will come by this barren land and read it good enough to complain about its errors.

 But what I do know is I wanna know what bravery is. Standing there, ready to fight when no ones around?  Not trying to be the log in the river which is just going with the flow? Trying to fight through the uncertainties without giving up? I mean.. I do these stuff.. I don't like following through.. Should it really matter if I don't fit in the definition of brave? And I also know that the answer is no, being brave is being yourself. No matter what the world throws at you, accepting you as yourself, loving you as yourself, improving, and not being validated by the universal standards of bravery and perfectness is brave. So tell me, are you brave?